


they are memories and moments

by imgoingcrazy



Category: Emmerdale
Genre: M/M, Robert Sugden Week 2017
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-09-07
Updated: 2017-09-07
Packaged: 2018-12-25 00:54:29
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,431
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12024675
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/imgoingcrazy/pseuds/imgoingcrazy
Summary: “That’s my favourite outfit on you.”or the one where Robert thinks about his mom and has a bit of a meltdown over an old jacket.





	they are memories and moments

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you to everyone who read bits of this as I wrote it, I really just expected it to be a small thing and now suddenly its 3.5k of Rob feeling feelings about his mum.

 

 _“That’s my favourite outfit on you._ ”

He could still hear her voice, hear the pride and warmth that simple sentence held, and he could remember how good it had made him feel. It could have been a sad memory, considering it was probably the last good memory he had with her, but it only ever made him feel loved.

And it was his memory. Maybe that made him selfish, to be happy it had been a moment between only them and not something he’d shared with Andy or Victoria, but he’d never been too bothered about how selfish he appeared before and he certainly wouldn’t start now when it came to his feelings about his mother.

He’d been fourteen, a proper teenager, and no longer regulated to the children's’ table at events and he’d spent the last few months relishing in it. So once again he’d spent half the day digging through his wardrobe, searching for the perfect outfit to wear. Someone was having a party for something - not that he could remember what, not that he actually cared that he couldn’t; he just wanted to show off and he definitely didn’t want to look unkempt like Andy no doubt would.

And so he’d eventually made a choice, after nearly emptying his wardrobe completely, clothes scattered across his floor and his room looking like a tornado had ripped through it. He’d been standing in front of a mirror examining himself, first from the left and then the right, when he’d caught sight of someone standing in his doorway out of the corner of his eye. He twisted to shoo them away, assuming it would be Victoria, only to find his mum leaning against the doorframe with a smile a mile wide that had warmth spreading across Robert’s chest.

“That’s my favourite outfit on you.”

He felt his cheeks heat and his gaze dropped to his shoes. Ever since Andy it had felt like praise for Robert was scarce, but he could always count on his mum for a kind word and an ego boost. His fingers picked absently at the fabric at his elbows, the tan of the patches a stark contrast to the navy blue of his jacket.

“Couple more years and you’ll be rolling your eyes at me, tired of my comments” she teased softly, before stepping into his room and over to him so she could run her fingers through his hair, then dropped her hand lower so that she could flatten the lapel of his jacket. Robert’s head snapped up at her words, his gaze fierce.

“I’ll never be tired of you.”

Sarah smiled again, didn’t bother to argue that, and her hand lifted again so that she could stroke her thumb over his cheek before she leaned down to press a kiss his forehead.

“I’ll never be tired of you either.”

Andy always wrinkled his nose at their mother’s affection, the other boy “too old” for it these days, but Robert couldn’t imagine a day he’d want these moments to end. Couldn’t imagine a day he’d ever be too old for his mum, the one person who could fix any wrong he ever had.

“Not everyone could pull off a jacket like this.” Her fingers brushed across the tan fabric at his elbows as she spoke.

“Andy said it looks like something an old man would wear last time.” He was scowling, his relationship with his brother growing more and more strained as time went on. If Sarah was disappointed with his sulky tone she didn’t show it and instead ruffled his hair.

“I think you look smart.”

She’d started back towards the door leaving him to finish getting ready, only halting when Robert called out to her quietly,

“Mum?”

“Yeah, sweetheart?”

“I love you.”

The smile in response took over her whole face, chased the sadness away that Robert didn’t quite realize was lurking in her eyes, some things still too adult even for very mature fourteen year olds.

“I love you too.”

 

 

 

He’d been waiting in the garishly lit room for almost three hours now, stuck watching his competition file in and out of the office door in front of him, his breath hitching every time the door would open again, wondering if this person would walk back out with a smirk, leaving Robert to know his chance at carving out a decent life had been squashed again.

He was tired of living in an overpriced flat in a below average part of town, scraping by week to week. Earning money in ways teenage him could never have imagined, ways mid-twenties him wanted to soon forget all about.

He’d heard of White Industries from a co-worker - though co-worker was probably too generous a term to be used. He knew all he needed was to get into the room. All he needed was a chance.

The secretary at the desk to his left looked up at him again, her pretty mouth folding down into a frown, and he realized he was tapping his foot against the ground again. Flashing her an apologetic smile before rubbing his hands down his thighs, he tried to calm himself down.  Letting out a breath, he sat back in his seat and flicked lint from his jacket, newly bought with the last of his money.

It was a dark blue, tan patches on his elbows, and he’d known it was the one the second he’d seen it in the department store. He’d wanted to look his best for the interview, wanted to project a version of himself that would soon be who he actually was.  He’d had grey jumper in hand, a forest green jacket to pair it with, and was headed for the registers when he’d caught sight of the display.

The memory of his mum punched him hard in the chest as his fingers drifted over the sleeve of the jacket in front of him. All things considered, it was probably a little pathetic to end up so rattled by the mere sight of a blue suit jacket that his hands were trembling, but tremble they did. He tossed the green jacket and jumper aside without a second thought and let his fingers trail up the sleeve to the elbow patch, smiled softly at the memory of his mum’s sweet words, smiled in a way he hadn’t in years really.

His mum was the only thing he really missed from Emmerdale most days, the days he allowed himself to dwell on the place he was forced from. He talked to Victoria infrequently but it was enough so that thinking about her didn’t hurt. Spoke to Andy even less but he was hardly going to miss Andy. His mum though, not being able to seek her out when he needed her, some days it felt like it was killing him.

So he’d bought the jacket, spent more money then he should on the the floral patterned shirt under it. Andy would have sneered and called it poncy, which meant it was perfect. Meant his mum would have loved it. He’d be broke but it would be worth it. He’d make sure it was worth it.

His foot had started to tap against the floor again as he waited for the last person before him to finish their interview and he had a feeling the secretary was going to throw a stapler at his head soon. He could feel her frowning at him and did his best to ignore it. He focused on his fingers rubbing over his left elbow, let his mind wander back to memories he’d sell his soul to be able to relive, let the memories settle his nerves, and didn’t let those thoughts go until he heard the office door open again.

“Robert Sugden?”

His eyes snapped open and he watched an older man - Lawrence White he imagined - flick a gaze over him from the doorway, then watched him do it again. Robert could work with that. His fingers pinched at the elbow patch one last time, before he stood up with a nod of his head and moved towards Lawrence, his hand outstretched and a flirty smile on his face - watched Lawrence preen under the attention.

“A pleasure to meet you, Mr. White.”

Two hours later, he shrugged his jacket off and hung it carefully in his bedroom wardrobe. He hadn’t been able to wipe the smile from his face the entire walk home. Today was the day things changed for him. Today was the start of the life he’d always deserved to have. His fingers stroked across the fabric of the jacket one last time and he knew he’d been lucky to find it, knew he’d have probably gone stark in that office if he hadn’t had something to focus on and knew exactly who had made that possible. His voice was soft as he closed his wardrobe door.

“Thanks mum.”

 

 

 

“Aaron, have you seen the blue jacket that's usually in the wardrobe?”

He stood at the top of the steps, agitation thrumming through his body as he waited for a response. He knew it had been in the wardrobe the other day because he'd touched it for good luck before heading off to Leeds for an important meeting. The same thing he always did for good luck.

Over the years it had just become this thing he did before important events. He’d known it was silly, it's not like his mum had actually given him the jacket personally but it had always felt like she'd led him too it when he’d needed the confidence. So he’d kept it and it had always sat in his wardrobe, rarely worn but always a reminder of her. Chrissie had asked him about it a few times but he’d shrugged her questions off, unwilling to expose that part of himself.

“Aaron.” he snapped.

A second later Aaron stood at the foot of the stairs glaring up at him over his tone. “You what?”

“My jacket. Have you seen it. The blue one”

“Mate, you have like four different blue jackets you're gonna need to be more specific.”

“Tan patches. It's older, I don't ever wear it.”

Aaron scowled still not happy with his tone but didn't comment on it and Robert’s foot started to tap as his agitation grew. “Aaron.”

“From the back of the wardrobe? Gave it to Liv along with some other things for her clothing drive thing. She asked you about it days ago”  

Robert took his words like a punch to the chest and recoiled back. His reaction was stupid, he knew it was an overreaction and yet he still couldn't stop it. Couldn't get his breathing back under control. Aaron must have finally realized something was wrong because hed braced a hand on the railing preparing to make his way up to Robert.

“Rob-” but he was cut off as Robert bolted down the steps himself. Thundering down them in a way that made Aaron’s stomach roll. “For fucks sake Robert be careful.”

“No, no. Call her. Call her right now Aaron. Call her.” he sounded wild. Knew he probably looked even worse and couldn't find it in himself to care.

But Aaron just stood there, gaze darting across Robert’s face as he tried to understand the very unreasonable response Robert was currently having.

“Forget it, I'll just go myself.  She'll be at Gabby’s.”

He'd turned, ready to bolt for the door, when Aaron reached out and caught him by the wrist, his voice soft and soothing as he spoke. “I need you to take a deep breath Robert and tell me what's happening.”

“Let go.”

Whatever Aaron’s reply would have been was interrupted by the sound of Liv’s ringtone emanating from Aaron’s phone. Ears no doubt burning from the boys talking about her. Robert still had a panicked edge to him but he’d stilled at the sound clearly waiting for Aaron to answer it.  With a frown, and releasing Robert’s wrist, the younger man did.

“You alright?.... yeah that's fine...hold on, the clothes I gave you do you still have them...because I need something from them.” his gaze flickered to Robert would was practically vibrating with nervous energy. “Liv, just tell me where it is in your room… fuck I'll call you back.”

Robert was already clambering back up the stairs and by the time Aaron had gotten upstairs himself Robert was already in Liv’s room and tearing through the bags of clothes, chaos all around him, when he let out a sob of relief at having finally found it.

“Robert, what the fuck.”

“She gave it to me, it's all I have.”

He didn't look up from the jacket his fingers brushing across the elbow patches and carefully, like approaching a wounded animal, Aaron squatted down beside Robert and reached out to grip his chin. Turned Robert’s face to look at him and kept his voice gentle.

“Who did?”

“My mum.”

And then he broke.

Crumbled apart right in front of Aaron, his face falling and his lanky frame folding in on itself when a shudder racked his body.

Dropping down next to him Aaron hauled Robert close, wrapped his arms around his husband’s frame, and held tight. Simply watched with wide eyes as Robert’s body shook almost violently in his arms. Silent sobs that clawed at Aaron’s chest.

He wasn't sure how long they sat like that but eventually Robert ended up stretched out on the floor with his head in Aaron’s lap and his face pressed into Aaron’s stomach, his body still shaking.

Aaron hunched over him, head as close to Robert’s as he could get in this position, and whispered soothing words to him his hand stroking up and down Robert’s back. “I love, it's alright.  It's gonna be alright.”

“...Aaron?”

Aaron’s head snapped up to look over at the bedroom door and found Liv standing there with wide eyes as she took in the mess of clothes strewn around her room and Robert trembling in Aaron’s lap.

“He'll be alright, I'll clean up. Go on back to Gabby’s”

“Did-is this my fault?”

“Of course not.” His fingers glided through Robert’s dirty blond hair, scratching lightly at his scalp as Robert burrowed his face impossibly closer. “Just miscommunication, go on, we'll be okay.”

She hesitated, face still clouded with worry, but finally slipped back into the hallway after an encouraging nod from Aaron.

Noting that Robert had finally stopped trembling he ruffled the other man’s hair playfully and tried to keep his voice gentle. “Hey, why don't you put the jacket back and meet me downstairs yeah?”

Robert was silent before nodding, just barely, and pushed himself up into into a sitting position. His eyes were red and Aaron leaned over to press a kiss to his forehead.

“Take your time, I'm gonna clean up here.  Then we'll talk, alright?”

“Alright.” but the word lacked any real emotion behind it

Aaron smiled softly, albeit sadly, before he climbed to his feet and then hauled Robert up next to him. His hand lifting to frame his husband's face although Robert refused to look at him, gaze firmly on his feet.

“I love you, Robert.”

“I love you too.”

 

 

 

Robert felt relief was through him as he stared at the jacket hanging once again in the wardrobe where it belonged, tucked away safely near the back.

Aaron would have questions and he’d have to answer them even if he didn't necessarily want to too.

Casting one last look at the jacket he closed the wardrobe and made his way downstairs. Aaron was already in the kitchen, back to Robert, fussing with the kettle so Robert settled onto the couch. His hands sat in his lap, his spine ramrod stiff, and he kept his eyes focused on the floor. With the jacket back where it should be and his nerves receding Robert was left feeling embarrassed.  He didn't actually want to talk about it.

Too soon though he felt Aaron prod gently as his knee and looked up to find Aaron holding out a mug to him. He took it without a word, his long fingers wrapping around the mug as he sipped silently.

Aaron sat facing him, one leg tucked under him and the other braced on the floor and when it became obvious Robert wouldn't start things he took control. “What happened?”

“She gave it to me.”

“Your mum?”

“Yes. No. Sort of.” He blew out a breath and watches his tea ripple gently in response and turned his head just slightly so that he could watch Aaron out of his peripheral. “It’s stupid.”

He felt Aaron’ handle settle on his knee, the younger man giving it a reassuring squeeze. “Explain it anyways.”

“I'd been on my own but I'd heard about a job offer, knew it could finally be my chance to climb out you know? So if scraped together every last bit of money I had. Picked out the perfect outfit and even had money to spare. Then I saw it. It was-I’d had one just like it when younger, she'd loved it. It felt she’d shown it to me.”

He set his tea down on the coffee table before he scrubbed at his face, exhaustion finally creeping in.

“It just felt like a sign I guess. So i bought it, bankrupted myself to get it basically. I was a wreck at that meeting, but it was like I could hear her…”

Aaron scooted closer, his own tea discarded as well, and wrapped his arms around Robert’s waist. Settled his forehead on Robert’s shoulder but remained quiet, knowing that an interruption would make Rob clam up.

“I hadn't felt close to her in years. I never got to visit her. I never… I felt like I was forgetting her and then there it was. Like when I was little, like when she said it was her favourite. So I kept it, wore it to important meetings a few times after but I started to get anxiety when I wore it. What if it got stained or ripped? I'd lose her again. I couldn't handle that.”

He felt Aaron's mouth press a kiss into his shoulder then and his gaze shifted from the floor to Aaron. “I know that wasn't- I'm sorry I worried you.”

Rather than respond right away Aaron teeth worried away at his bottom lip as he considered his words carefully.

“You don't ever talk about her.”

“I know.”

“Maybe you should.” a beat of silence and then. “You know that reaction it.., that it wasn't okay right?”

“I know.”

Aaron nodded and then suddenly they were shifting. Aaron laying back and pulling Robert with him so that his husbands head settled on his chest, legs tangled together. Aaron followed that up by letting his fingers slip into Robert’s hair, combing through it lightly.

“Tell me about her?” He asked.

“Aaron.”

“Keeping it bottled, it's not helping you Robert. Having a meltdown over a missing jacket that she didn't actually give yo-” Robert had tensed in his grip and Aaron cursed himself in his head, it was the wrong thing to say and he could feel Robert retreating from him. Closing into himself again.

He used the hand in Robert’s hair to tip his head back so that they were looking at each other. “I'm sorry.”

“You're not wrong though are you? I'm a grown man having fucking breakdown over a department store jacket, it's pathetic.”

“It's not about the jacket though, it's about your mum.” He pressed a kiss to Robert’s forehead and tightened his hold on his husband. “Tell me about her.”

“She was perfect.”

It started slowly, a sentence here and there about her followed by silence. By Robert almost clinging to Aaron. But eventually it came easier, eventually it was natural.

“She loved me, she always thought the best of me. Sometimes I think she'd be ashamed of me now. That she'd hate who I am n-”

“No.” It was fierce and it was protective and it made Robert lift his head up from Aaron’s chest to look at him questioningly. “She'd love the bones of you, just like I do.”

He was quiet for a moment before he settled back down, his hand finding Aaron's and linking their fingers together as he let his eyes close. Felt sleep tugging at him as he soaked in Aaron's attention and words, as they burrowed under his ribs and into his heart.

“You think so?” he asked softly.

“I know.”


End file.
